Kayla Munro

Figuring life out

Believe — October 21, 2019

Believe

A close friend of mine gave me this bracelet. Not only is it super cute but it means so much more. She was going through a extremely hard time in her life and someone gave it to her. She wanted me to have it because she knows that I am going through difficult things myself. I’m so blessed to be able to have someone give me something so meaningful.

The great thing about this bracelet is that believe can mean so many different things. It just depends on your situation and they way you take it. That’s what makes it so beautiful.

I took it as believing in myself. I always have struggled with believing I can do whatever my dream is, and that I can do anything I put my mind to. I remember growing up my mom and grandma always told me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That was back in elementary school. Growing up, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped believing in myself completely. The depression set in and I fell in what felt like a bottomless pit. They still said I could do whatever I put my mind to, but i stopped believing that.

The past few months have been really hard on me. I won’t go into detail because I am not ready to share it with the world.  I’ve struggled a lot in the past few months. My depression has been worse than ever and I feel like everything is out of my control. I have felt so helpless and so alone.

During  the past few months, I had a chance to go to an impatient unit for about 37 days. It was incredible to have time to myself away from the world and start learning how to love myself again. Today, I believe that I can do anything I want. And I know that my higher power is here to back me up and give me the push that I need.

Looking back to this bracelet reminds me that I can do anything with Gods help. I am facing some hard decisions right now. I have moved from house to house but now I finally feel like things are falling into place.

My challenge to you is to start believing in yourself. Believe that you can do anything you want to because the only person stopping you is you. So go out there and get that job. Go to school and achieve your dream. Go on that diet and get healthy. Just start to believe in something bigger than yourself.

Medication — April 3, 2019

Medication

The second time I was hospitalized was because of my anti-depressants. More or less because I stopped taking them. I got put on medication the very first time I was hospitalized. I stopped taking them for a few days because I forgot and I felt really down. I take two different medications. One is a mood stabilizer and the other is an antidepressant. The second time I was hospitalized was Halloween night and I had an appointment with my therapist. I wasn’t doing well that day, because of not taking my medication. I was so depressed and down that I was feeling suicidal. Before my appointment with her I remember talking to my mom and telling her i didn’t want to live anymore. I was crying these huge tears and explaining everything that was wrong with my life. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I don’t know how I would react if Mackenzie, my daughter, said those things to me. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know how my mom was able to handle the situation, but she did a great job. She’s a huge reason why I am still here. She has helped me get through so many struggles. After I talked to her before my appointment we decided she would drive me to my therapy appointment because we both knew that my therapist was going to make me go to the E.R.

Right after I got out of the hospital the first time there was this policy that my therapist had. It was called CAMS. I don’t remember what it stood for, but it was for people who have had suicidal thoughts. It was an assessment ranging from 1-5 in a few different categories and it measured how likely you were to commit suicide. We started each session with CAMS That day I was a 5 in all the categories. I remember her asking me “Kayla, if I send you home right now whats the chances that you will try and take your own life” And I replied “If you send me home, I will.”  At that time she called the ambulance and they took me to the E.R. to be evaluated. I called my dad who had Mackenzie at the time and I said bye to her over video chat. It killed me that I wasn’t able to hug her and say a proper goodbye, but it was only for a few days and I knew I would be okay. I was put on a 72 hour hold.  I remember feeling so dead inside. When you go to the hospital in Cheyenne for suicidal idealization they make you dress down and put scrubs on and go to a room all by yourself. I remember changing my clothes and I felt like a failure. I felt stupid that I ended back up in the hospital. I felt like a total idiot.

First, I should tell you about why I felt so stupid. When I went to the hospital before, I was put on a 72 hour hold and the doctors and staff wanted to keep me longer than 72 hours, but I didn’t want to so they took me to court and I plead my case. Everyone there told me to stay and that I would just be back in a couple of weeks if I didn’t stay. I won the court case and decided to leave against medical advise. Looking back I wish I would have stayed a little longer to work through some of the issues in my life.

Anyways, I felt like a complete idiot. I knew they were going to send me back up to behavioral health services and I knew they were going to try and keep me longer than 72 hours. All of the staff remembered me. Because of the mood I  was in, it felt like they were all saying “I told you so” from the windows. They weren’t, but that’s the way I felt. I stayed there for another 5 days and then went home. I left against medical advise again, but I finally felt like I could handle anything as long as I stayed on my medication and kept challenging negative thoughts.

It was my own fault that I ended back up in the hospital because I forgot to take my medication. Antidepressants are so good when you actually take them. They have made me be able to have a better stability with my mood and they have helped me feel a little happier.  I don’t have as many mood swings anymore and I have a little bit more patience. One of the girls in the hospital asked me “If you go home today, will your daughter see a difference in you?” and I sat and thought about that for a while. I finally felt like I was okay. My medication has helped me get through some pretty dark times.

Not only has medication helped me through depressed times, but its also helped with my anxiety. There was a point in my life where I had 4 panic attacks in one week. Now I don’t get them as often. Because my mood isn’t changing so often with mood swings, I don’t worry as much as I used to.

I struggled with taking medication at first because I didn’t want to feel like I had to take something in order to be happy. I didn’t want to rely on pills. But what I didn’t understand is depression is a disease. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain. Medication just fixes that chemical imbalance.

Life is never easy. Living with depression and anxiety is hard. Living with post-pardom depression is real and its difficult. But if your on the fence about medication, I highly suggest you try it. Now, medication isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t work for some people. But its always worth the try. I feel so much better when I take my medication. Everyone can tell if I miss a day or two with my medication. Medication helps millions of people. If your struggling, you might as well just look into it. It has helped me immensely.

Positive over Negative — April 2, 2019

Positive over Negative

I think sometimes all we think about is the negative. If someone goes to a restaurant and has an awful experience they are more likely to share the bad experience with ten people as opposed to a good experience they would only share it with two people.

How can we be positive in such a negative world?

I had another therapy appointment today. We talked about how I was doing and I told her I wasn’t doing well. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so negative but I have. Almost every thought I have is bad and negative. I’ve been letting the negative out way the positive. Therapy is not easy. It’s a lot of hard work. And it takes a lot of hard work to be happy. People have to work at their happiness.

Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems a lot easier for some people to be able to throw out the negative thoughts and feelings. Its a challenge for me to look at the bright side when I’m not in the right kind of mind, because of that I get discouraged very easily. There was this girl I knew back in high school. She always had a smile on her face despite what was going on. She was always happy. I want to be that kind of happy. I want to be a person that spreads cheer and positive thoughts in this negative world.

The thing about depression is it makes it harder for you to see the positive. You can be happy with depression. You just have to work at it a little harder. When I was at my happiest, I was doing things for myself and making time for myself. Being a mother now, it can be difficult to be able to have time for myself. But the thing is, I have to make time. If I don’t make time for myself then my mental health plummets and then I can’t be a good mother when I am depressed and unhappy.

Side note: If your a mom I understand its nearly impossible to make time for yourself especially when you feel like you have to take care of your family first. But here’s the thing, your children are happiest when they have a more positive, happier mom, and in order to be positive you need to make time for yourself and take care of yourself.

Challenge those negative thoughts. You have the power to change what kind of thoughts you have. Challenge the negative thoughts with positive ones. Be more positive.

My challenge to you is to say 3 positive things for every negative thought. I remember having dinner with a bunch of girls and someone said something they didn’t like about their body, and my friend Kassi told her to say 3 positive things about herself. It really helps. And remember to take time for yourself and do things that make you happy. I know its not easy, in fact I have failed at that this last couple weeks. But its so worth it.