Kayla Munro

Figuring life out

Keeping it real — October 29, 2019

Keeping it real

I want to keep it real with everyone who reads my blog. On August 7, 2019 I tried to take my life for the second time. It started like any other day. I got up and went to the job I love. After work I went to a therapy appointment. I knew what I was planning to do, so I didn’t tell my therapist any of what was going on that day. When I got home I was feeling very anxious. The thoughts had come back. I was trying to take care of Mackenzie but was failing. I asked my mom to watch her as I took my dog for a walk at the park. While I was there I was contemplating everything in my life. It all came circling back to one belief: The world would be better off without me in it. Mackenzie would be better off with any of my parents.

At the park there was a wedding going on. I remember just thinking about how my marriage failed and I felt like I would never find love ever again. As many people know, I left my husband in May of 2019. It was a toxic situation and things were getting pretty bad. I won’t go into detail as Im not ready to share everything with the world.

There were so many people out walking on the trail but yet I felt so alone. I remember staring at the lake while sitting on a bench crying. I knew what I was going to do. I texted all my family members and told them that I loved them. They all thought that they were getting a text that meant I was thinking about them. Little did they know my intentions.

I got home and put the baby to bed. I gave her the biggest hug and just cried while holding her for what felt like hours. I reached down and told her goodbye as she fell asleep. I thought Mackenzie deserved better than me. I honestly thought it would be the last time I would hold her in my arms until we met again in heaven. I thought I was making the right decision for her.

I went back upstairs and found my medication. I decided I would take all the sleeping pills I had. I grabbed the pill bottle and counted out each individual pill. I counted 26 pills. I wasn’t sure if it would be enough, but I was willing to do anything at the point. I wanted all the pain to stop. I didn’t want to live my life anymore. I wanted to live, just not in this life. I got a bottle of water and stood in my moms kitchen and took all 26 pills of trazadone. I don’t know to this day if I took enough medication to do any damage but I didn’t care. I was desperate.

After taking all the medication I instantly regretted my decision. I was contemplating making myself throw up all the pills. I researched online if I took enough to end my life. I couldn’t find the answers I was looking for. I was a part of a facebook page that was meant for people who struggle with anxiety and depression. I posted on the page and told everyone what I did and I asked people if it was enough to kill me. Instantly I got a bunch of messages. People I didn’t even know cared about me. I decided to take the post down moments later. About 15 minutes after my mom got an anonymous call. It was from the police department. My mom came rushing downstairs and asked me if I had taken any medication. I broke down in my living room and told her I took the medication and I didn’t want to live anymore. Moments later an ambulance showed up at my house along with a bunch of policemen. I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance. They hooked me up to an IV right away. Once I got to the hospital the nurse came in and told me to drink this stuff in a cup. It was cherry flavored charcoal. When I think back to the attempt I can still taste it.

They ran several EKG’s and blood tests. Everything came back okay. They had to monitor me for about 6 hours. After that I was transferred to the psych unit. I stayed there for a few days and my step-mom and my dad found another place for me to go. It was another impatient unit, but this one was long term.

Going the the impatient unit was the best decision I have ever made. I made great friends there and I learned so much about myself. During my stay there I started to actually love myself. I kept a journal and wrote down how I was feeling every single day. Each day it got better and better. I can now say that I love who I am and I wouldn’t change it.

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I matter. I am capable. I am a good mother. I am good enough.

I am not writing this for attention. I am writing this because I never really dealt with what happened. This is my way of dealing with my attempt. Getting all my thoughts out really helps me deal with things. I am also writing this for anyone who is struggling and needs to know they are not alone. Having a suicide attempt, or even having suicidal idealation can be a very hard thing to deal with. You are not alone and there is hope and help out there. Reach out to someone you love and trust. There is hope out there for everyone.

Believe — October 21, 2019

Believe

A close friend of mine gave me this bracelet. Not only is it super cute but it means so much more. She was going through a extremely hard time in her life and someone gave it to her. She wanted me to have it because she knows that I am going through difficult things myself. I’m so blessed to be able to have someone give me something so meaningful.

The great thing about this bracelet is that believe can mean so many different things. It just depends on your situation and they way you take it. That’s what makes it so beautiful.

I took it as believing in myself. I always have struggled with believing I can do whatever my dream is, and that I can do anything I put my mind to. I remember growing up my mom and grandma always told me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That was back in elementary school. Growing up, reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped believing in myself completely. The depression set in and I fell in what felt like a bottomless pit. They still said I could do whatever I put my mind to, but i stopped believing that.

The past few months have been really hard on me. I won’t go into detail because I am not ready to share it with the world.  I’ve struggled a lot in the past few months. My depression has been worse than ever and I feel like everything is out of my control. I have felt so helpless and so alone.

During  the past few months, I had a chance to go to an impatient unit for about 37 days. It was incredible to have time to myself away from the world and start learning how to love myself again. Today, I believe that I can do anything I want. And I know that my higher power is here to back me up and give me the push that I need.

Looking back to this bracelet reminds me that I can do anything with Gods help. I am facing some hard decisions right now. I have moved from house to house but now I finally feel like things are falling into place.

My challenge to you is to start believing in yourself. Believe that you can do anything you want to because the only person stopping you is you. So go out there and get that job. Go to school and achieve your dream. Go on that diet and get healthy. Just start to believe in something bigger than yourself.

Mental Health Matters — October 10, 2019

Mental Health Matters

Mental health matters. Today is mental health awareness day. So I though I would share with one thing that is most important to me in my recovery. Self care can be done in many different ways. Heres 10 ways you can practice self care:

  • Taking a shower or a bath: Taking a shower or bath can be very relaxing. Getting clean can wash away all the stress that the day has brought on. Last night I was so exhausted and a little stressed out from the day, I ended up taking a bath to relax. It was one of the nicest things I could have done for myself.
  • Long Car rides: Have you ever just taken a nice night ride just for fun. Long car rides always help with my self care. Years ago I was seeing a therapist that was 45 minutes away. Once a week I would go see him and it was seriously the best time to myself I could ask for.
  • Listening to music: Listening to music is my jam. I love music and even more than that I love singing. Which is where the car ride comes in handy. I just blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs. I may look funny to other people but in my head I am as happy as can be.
  • Calling a friend: This one is always a good one. After a long hard day at work, or taking care of children its good to let things out with someone you trust. I have a list of people in my journal that I call very frequently when I need to talk to someone. Talking to someone is always a good way to practice self care.
  • Getting hair/nails/makeup done: I get my nails done every 3-4 weeks. It may be an unneeded expense, but I get them done because its my time to sit back and relax. Its really important for me to get my nails done because they make me feel more confident about myself. Putting makeup on for me is just fun and I love doing it. It makes me feel better about my day and makes me feel like I accomplished something.
  • Doing a puzzle: Getting your brain to work is a good thing. There is an app I have called “Puzzle Page”and I play it almost everyday. It has different puzzles on it that get my brain moving. While in the rehab center I was at we played a lot of bananagrams. If you haven’t played it I strongly suggest getting it. Its a fun little way to have fun with peers while exercising your brain.
  • Watching a movie: Watching a movie can always be a good thing. Its nice to just sit back and relax and have a movie night. Get out of your reality for a moment and get lost in a story. Movies are a good way to practice self care.
  • Taking a walk: I love walking. Walking is not only good for the mind but it’s good for the body. Getting out and getting some fresh air might just be what your body needs, I always take my daughter and my dog for walks after dinner. It’s a good way to remind me of something very important to me, which is nature. I love getting out in nature and meditating and just listening to your higher power.
  • Volunteering: Volunteering always makes people feel better. Doing something for the less fortunate can make you feel like your making a difference in the world. For me, its volunteering at my local animal shelter. As an animal lover, I love to just sit and play with cats or walk a few dogs. Volunteering makes a difference and you can feel it in your heart.
  • Pray: Praying is a perfect way to practice self care. The best part is its free. All it costs is a few minutes out of your day. God wants to listen to what you have to say. Every night before I go to bed. I write in my journal and then I write a letter to my God. This works with whatever you higher power is. Thats why I love it so much.

The trick is to practice self care everyday. Find things that make you happy and do them everyday. Thats the answer to life because when your doing things you love its hard to not enjoy life.

Medication — April 3, 2019

Medication

The second time I was hospitalized was because of my anti-depressants. More or less because I stopped taking them. I got put on medication the very first time I was hospitalized. I stopped taking them for a few days because I forgot and I felt really down. I take two different medications. One is a mood stabilizer and the other is an antidepressant. The second time I was hospitalized was Halloween night and I had an appointment with my therapist. I wasn’t doing well that day, because of not taking my medication. I was so depressed and down that I was feeling suicidal. Before my appointment with her I remember talking to my mom and telling her i didn’t want to live anymore. I was crying these huge tears and explaining everything that was wrong with my life. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I don’t know how I would react if Mackenzie, my daughter, said those things to me. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know how my mom was able to handle the situation, but she did a great job. She’s a huge reason why I am still here. She has helped me get through so many struggles. After I talked to her before my appointment we decided she would drive me to my therapy appointment because we both knew that my therapist was going to make me go to the E.R.

Right after I got out of the hospital the first time there was this policy that my therapist had. It was called CAMS. I don’t remember what it stood for, but it was for people who have had suicidal thoughts. It was an assessment ranging from 1-5 in a few different categories and it measured how likely you were to commit suicide. We started each session with CAMS That day I was a 5 in all the categories. I remember her asking me “Kayla, if I send you home right now whats the chances that you will try and take your own life” And I replied “If you send me home, I will.”  At that time she called the ambulance and they took me to the E.R. to be evaluated. I called my dad who had Mackenzie at the time and I said bye to her over video chat. It killed me that I wasn’t able to hug her and say a proper goodbye, but it was only for a few days and I knew I would be okay. I was put on a 72 hour hold.  I remember feeling so dead inside. When you go to the hospital in Cheyenne for suicidal idealization they make you dress down and put scrubs on and go to a room all by yourself. I remember changing my clothes and I felt like a failure. I felt stupid that I ended back up in the hospital. I felt like a total idiot.

First, I should tell you about why I felt so stupid. When I went to the hospital before, I was put on a 72 hour hold and the doctors and staff wanted to keep me longer than 72 hours, but I didn’t want to so they took me to court and I plead my case. Everyone there told me to stay and that I would just be back in a couple of weeks if I didn’t stay. I won the court case and decided to leave against medical advise. Looking back I wish I would have stayed a little longer to work through some of the issues in my life.

Anyways, I felt like a complete idiot. I knew they were going to send me back up to behavioral health services and I knew they were going to try and keep me longer than 72 hours. All of the staff remembered me. Because of the mood I  was in, it felt like they were all saying “I told you so” from the windows. They weren’t, but that’s the way I felt. I stayed there for another 5 days and then went home. I left against medical advise again, but I finally felt like I could handle anything as long as I stayed on my medication and kept challenging negative thoughts.

It was my own fault that I ended back up in the hospital because I forgot to take my medication. Antidepressants are so good when you actually take them. They have made me be able to have a better stability with my mood and they have helped me feel a little happier.  I don’t have as many mood swings anymore and I have a little bit more patience. One of the girls in the hospital asked me “If you go home today, will your daughter see a difference in you?” and I sat and thought about that for a while. I finally felt like I was okay. My medication has helped me get through some pretty dark times.

Not only has medication helped me through depressed times, but its also helped with my anxiety. There was a point in my life where I had 4 panic attacks in one week. Now I don’t get them as often. Because my mood isn’t changing so often with mood swings, I don’t worry as much as I used to.

I struggled with taking medication at first because I didn’t want to feel like I had to take something in order to be happy. I didn’t want to rely on pills. But what I didn’t understand is depression is a disease. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain. Medication just fixes that chemical imbalance.

Life is never easy. Living with depression and anxiety is hard. Living with post-pardom depression is real and its difficult. But if your on the fence about medication, I highly suggest you try it. Now, medication isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t work for some people. But its always worth the try. I feel so much better when I take my medication. Everyone can tell if I miss a day or two with my medication. Medication helps millions of people. If your struggling, you might as well just look into it. It has helped me immensely.

Positive over Negative — April 2, 2019

Positive over Negative

I think sometimes all we think about is the negative. If someone goes to a restaurant and has an awful experience they are more likely to share the bad experience with ten people as opposed to a good experience they would only share it with two people.

How can we be positive in such a negative world?

I had another therapy appointment today. We talked about how I was doing and I told her I wasn’t doing well. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so negative but I have. Almost every thought I have is bad and negative. I’ve been letting the negative out way the positive. Therapy is not easy. It’s a lot of hard work. And it takes a lot of hard work to be happy. People have to work at their happiness.

Sometimes I get discouraged because it seems a lot easier for some people to be able to throw out the negative thoughts and feelings. Its a challenge for me to look at the bright side when I’m not in the right kind of mind, because of that I get discouraged very easily. There was this girl I knew back in high school. She always had a smile on her face despite what was going on. She was always happy. I want to be that kind of happy. I want to be a person that spreads cheer and positive thoughts in this negative world.

The thing about depression is it makes it harder for you to see the positive. You can be happy with depression. You just have to work at it a little harder. When I was at my happiest, I was doing things for myself and making time for myself. Being a mother now, it can be difficult to be able to have time for myself. But the thing is, I have to make time. If I don’t make time for myself then my mental health plummets and then I can’t be a good mother when I am depressed and unhappy.

Side note: If your a mom I understand its nearly impossible to make time for yourself especially when you feel like you have to take care of your family first. But here’s the thing, your children are happiest when they have a more positive, happier mom, and in order to be positive you need to make time for yourself and take care of yourself.

Challenge those negative thoughts. You have the power to change what kind of thoughts you have. Challenge the negative thoughts with positive ones. Be more positive.

My challenge to you is to say 3 positive things for every negative thought. I remember having dinner with a bunch of girls and someone said something they didn’t like about their body, and my friend Kassi told her to say 3 positive things about herself. It really helps. And remember to take time for yourself and do things that make you happy. I know its not easy, in fact I have failed at that this last couple weeks. But its so worth it.

8 Coping Methods — March 27, 2019

8 Coping Methods

Reading the Bible and Praying

Prayer is just about everything. When I get down and out prayer is what brings me back up. Getting close to Jesus makes all the difference. When your feeling down PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY. Prayer is the primary work of Gods’ people. Pray people! Its important. I need to make sure that I am praying everyday as well. No one is perfect, were all just imperfect people trying to be more like Jesus. Reading helps as well. But nothing is better than reading the bible. The best part about reading the bible and praying is God always seems to ease your mind and make you feel better. God can do anything and he will help you though whatever your going though. God wants you to be happy and will help you do so if you just ask.

Taking a Shower/Bath

Theres something about taking a shower that feels so great. Try taking a bath or a shower next time you are not in the right mind. It just might help.I take a shower just about every night to make me happy. My therapist tells me to do things that make me happy. Thats defiantly one of them. Taking a shower relaxes me and makes me feel so much better.

Going for a Walk

Going for a walk is a great way to distract your mind from whats going on. Getting outside is always good for mental health as well. I like to take my dogs with me when I walk. Last summer I took Cody, my golden retriever, for a walk every day to go get the mail. Getting outside is so good for you. Try taking your pets or kids for a walk when things are getting tough. Take a break from what your thinking about and go for a walk.

Pet a Cat/Dog

Okay, so if you know me then you know that I absolutely love dogs. My love for dogs is bordering on obsessive. I love dogs. When I get depressed Cody knows it and he sticks right by my side and is always there for me. When I had my cat Phil, he did the exact same thing. Phil would always come sit right next to me and let me pet him until i felt a little better. There is such a thing as emotional support animals and they are seriously great. Dogs and cats are so smart and intuitive. They know when your feeling down and only want to help. Try petting a dog next time you feel down. Seriously, if you don’t have a dog go to the shelter and walk dogs. Dogs and cats are a great way to cope with whatever is going on.

Coloring

I have an adult coloring book which I absolutely love. Not only does it take me back to childhood when I loved life and nothing was hard about it, but it also helps with my anxiety. Focusing on one thing is a great way for me to deal with anxiety. It’s hard to focus on one thing when you are going crazy in your own mind, but coloring always helps me calm down. When I was in the hospital at behavioral health services all I did all day was color. There wasn’t much to do there, but coloring helped pass the time.

Napping

Taking a nap is a good way to recharge and feel better. I love naps they always make me happy. I have little to no energy all the time, and naps always seem to recharge me. Not only is a nap good for recharging, but its also good to take a break from life for a minute. I don’t recommend this all the time, because you can’t sleep your life away, however, a nap once in a while is always okay and it can be really helpful.

Writing

Writing the blog has helped immensely. It doesn’t even matter if anyone even reads it. I just love writing and getting it all out there. Its a beautiful therapy. You can take thoughts and ideas and share them with people that are going through the same thing. When I started this blog I honestly didn’t expect it to be such good therapy, but it totally is. I love writing again and it helps to get it all out and in the open. I highly suggest journaling or blogging if your going through something rough.

Going to Coffee

Going out in public sucks when your depressed. When I’m depressed I just want to stay home and do nothing. I want to lay in my bed and literally do nothing. I don’t want to watch tv, i don’t want to listen to music, i just want to lay there. Even though it sucks to get up, get dressed and go out to public, it’s still very important to do so. The other day I was feeling down and my mom told me to get up and she would be at my house in 10 minutes because she wanted to take me to ice cream. Even though I really didn’t want to go, I am glad I went because it ended up being a lot better for me than lying there. And I ultimately felt better after going. Going out for coffee with a friend is always good therapy. A friend will always make things seem a little lighter.

List of Eight ways I cope when going through a hard time:

  1. Reading The Bible and Praying
  2. Taking a Shower
  3. Going for a Walk
  4. Petting a Dog/Cat
  5. Coloring
  6. Taking a Nap
  7. Writing
  8. Going for Coffee
My Story Isn’t Over — March 25, 2019

My Story Isn’t Over

If you’ve been reading my blog or know me personally you know that I tried to commit suicide last year. My story isn’t over.

I want to talk a little more about my story. When I was going through my hard time I wasn’t sure how to handle life. I was overwhelmed and my anxiety kicked into overdrive. I was depressed nearly every day. I was afraid that my husband was going to leave me and I was afraid that I wasn’t being the mother I was supposed to be. Life got too much and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I decided that I wanted my story to be over. I wanted to end my story, but God had another plan for my life.

Everyone has a purpose and a plan. We don’t always know our purpose or our plan. For example, I knew that once I saw the positive pregnancy test I was meant to be a mother. Motherhood is hard and exhausting. Its a rough life being a mommy, but yet so rewarding. Once I saw that pregnancy test I knew my life was going to change (for the better of course).

I think a lot of people struggle with what their purpose is and how their story is supposed to go. Because we don’t always know whats going to happen. I know I always struggled, and honestly still do struggle with knowing my purpose and knowing what to do. I know with depression we often feel like were drowning and we can’t get back up and we can’t breathe. With anxiety we always worry about what will happen. No matter how we feel we can’t let our story be over.

Last night my 13 year old sister told me that she wrote a song about my struggles. She’s very talented with music and writing. She told me she wrote a song about things I’ve gone through and how my story isn’t over. One line she said was how I looked at God and I knew that I still have a purpose. I love that she wrote that in her song. I was so humbled by this. I am so blessed by friends and family.

The reason I got this tattoo was to remind me that my story isn’t over, even though I wanted to end it and attempted to end it, its still not over. Let me be the first to tell you, your story isn’t over either. God has a plan for each and every human. You will prevail and get through whatever your going through. You just have to keep believing that you matter and you do have a purpose.

Being Real… — March 18, 2019

Being Real…

I want to be real with people. In order to be real I need to be able to share my struggles. One of the most important things about this blog is being vulnerable and speaking the truth hoping I can help people who relate with me and hopefully someone won’t feel so alone.

Here me being real:

I’m struggling today. I had my first appointment back with my therapist today after two months. I usually see her every week or every other week, but since I forgot to make an appointment, I couldn’t see her for a while. I thought I would be just fine if I stayed on my medication and if I stayed doing the things that make me happy. I was wrong. I am super disappointed in myself and I can’t shake the feeling.

In therapy we are working on loving myself and helping with my self esteem right now. I am learning how to do things by myself for myself. These past two months I sucked at it. I stopped doing things for myself. I stopped caring about myself and I struggled a lot because of that. I am so frustrated with myself because I let myself down. Not only did I let myself down, I let my family down. I fell back into the trap of depression and actually had a day of suicidal thoughts because I let myself fall back into depression. This morning my mom posted on Facebook that said “Make yourself a priority once in a while. It’s necessary not selfish.” This stuck with me because I always struggle with not taking time for myself.

Back when I was going to therapy every week I was able to be reminded every week to do things for myself. We would brainstorm and come up with ideas of thing I could do that would make me happy. I was doing much better. I was actually starting to feel like a whole new person. I started to feel like myself, but new and improved. I was also in a really hard place in life and almost all my friends and family knew about it and they would remind me to to take time for myself and they would give me ideas of what to do as well. It was a team effort to help Kayla start to feel like herself again. I am so mad at myself for letting everyone down.

I know I can’t be too hard on myself. It happens to everyone. My therapist told me that its just a part of recovery. So I am going to be thankful that I am on the road to feeling better than being down on myself. I am going to choose happy thoughts and positive feelings over the negative ones. I am going to start back up and do things for myself and hopefully stay on the right track of being happy.

My therapist told me to keep a “owners manual”. You write things down that you enjoy and keep them somewhere close. Then when having a bad day you get that list out and do as many things you can on that list. But you make it intentional. You have to want to do those things to start to feel better on your bad days. I love this idea and I am currently searching things that make me feel good. If you have any ideas please comment them! I could use all the help I can get!

Self Harm. — March 14, 2019

Self Harm.

I decided to show a picture of some of my scars, It’s a hard thing for me to do. I have a hard time opening up about my self harm history, so here we go.

I started self harming when I was about thirteen. I was in eighth grade. Self harm is something many young girls deal with. I started because I knew some people that did it and it helped them, so I started to try it out. I remember the first time I self harmed. I had just had a huge fight with my best friend McKyla. I was depressed and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Once I cut myself for the first time, I was hooked. I would describe self harm as an addiction.

I want to explain why self injury is something that people do and how it helps. I did it for a few reasons. One reason I self harmed was because it distracts from the emotional pain I was having and it gave me physical pain.Another reason is its a way to punish yourself. I know that I didn’t need punishing, but at the time I was so depressed that every time I would cut I would feel like i am giving that punishment I deserved. The last reason I had for self harming was it made you feel something. There has been times when I am so depressed I don’t feel anything. I feel numb to the whole world and all sorts of emotions. I would cut just to feel something, anything was better than feeling nothing. Those are just some of my reasons why I would harm myself.

I remember one time being so down and depressed that I decided to cut myself, and not even an hour later I was at church with my friends having so much fun and laughing. I hid everything away from everyone. I wore long sleeves, and long pants to cover up my cuts and scars. Cutting makes you feel so alone. It’s like you have to isolate yourself because you don’t want people to know what you have done.

Around the time of my suicide attempt I started self harming again a lot. I would do it almost every day. I was so depressed that I didn’t really know how to cope with the feelings that I had. I remember every time I would cut i would try and get deeper and deeper to actually feel something. I remember being so depressed when I would get angry I would hurt myself from hitting to scratching to cutting. Anyway I could. I would. Try and hurt myself because I didn’t feel like I was good enough to live.

One thing that I am working on is being aware of my scars and not hiding them anymore. I am who I am and those scars tell a story of when life got rough, but i am still here. I don’t want to feel ashamed wearing a T-shirt. I was to keep working on embracing my scars as a reminder that I am still alive and still trying to figure life out.

One thing that has helped me not self harm is my tattoo. I got a tattoo shortly after my suicide attempt to cover up a self harm scar. Everytime I want to self harm, I look at that tattoo as a reminder of where I came from and where I want to go. I dont want to punish myslef anymore because I dont deserve to be punished. Psalms 147:3 “He healeth the broken in heart and bindeth up their wounds” That verse has gotten me though a lot of hard times and depression.

For people who don’t know about self harm, I hope that I was able to help you out in educating. If you ever encounter someone who has noticeable scars on their arm, just tell them your there for them. I know for me it means so much when someone tells me that after seeing my scars.

I just want everyone to know out there that if you self harm, your not alone so many people suffer from this addiction. Your not alone and you will find peace. Ask for help.

I don’t want to end this blog post on a negative note. I am doing much better in my fight against self harm. I haven’t self harmed in over two months. It may not seem like a long time, but it takes time in defeating an addiction like self injury.

Feeling Alone — March 11, 2019

Feeling Alone

One of the hardest things about living with depression and anxiety is that you feel so alone. You could be at a party surrounded by people you love but yet feel so alone and sad. So many people around the world struggle with depression and anxiety, but yet everyone who struggles feels so alone in the matter.

My daughter just turned one a few weeks ago. We had a huge party for her and a lot of family came into town for her party. I had such a hard time at her party. It wasn’t just the sadness that my baby was turning one. It was much harder than that. I had to excuse myself for a few minutes to cry. I don’t know what came over me. I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by family that loved me. I knew I was loved, but I didn’t feel like I was loved. I don’t know why I was so upset. Maybe I was just having one of those days. I don’t know. But the fact is living with depression is a daily struggle.

The thing about depression is it can sneak up on you. You can be feeling great one minute and then the next minute, you’re depressed. Sometimes something can happen to make you feel down. And other times, you just feel down for no reason. That’s what happened at Mackenzie’s party. I struggled with feeling down and I have no clue why. Honestly this happens on a weekly basis with me. There are just some days I feel down.

One thing I found helped me is having a list of people that I text when I am feeling alone and down. First I tell my husband Jake. Then I text my mom. Then I usually text Kassi or Emily asking for prayers. The days that I am really struggling I text those people and they all help me not feel so alone. The biggest thing you have to remember is to not live in silence. Suffering in silence is not an answer to pain. Don’t struggle in pain, you have to ask for help and you wont feel so alone. I want to remind you if your reading this, I can be on your list. Please reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk to.