Anxiety, Depression, Life Stuff

Keeping it real

I want to keep it real with everyone who reads my blog. On August 7, 2019 I tried to take my life for the second time. It started like any other day. I got up and went to the job I love. After work I went to a therapy appointment. I knew what I was planning to do, so I didn’t tell my therapist any of what was going on that day. When I got home I was feeling very anxious. The thoughts had come back. I was trying to take care of Mackenzie but was failing. I asked my mom to watch her as I took my dog for a walk at the park. While I was there I was contemplating everything in my life. It all came circling back to one belief: The world would be better off without me in it. Mackenzie would be better off with any of my parents.

At the park there was a wedding going on. I remember just thinking about how my marriage failed and I felt like I would never find love ever again. As many people know, I left my husband in May of 2019. It was a toxic situation and things were getting pretty bad. I won’t go into detail as Im not ready to share everything with the world.

There were so many people out walking on the trail but yet I felt so alone. I remember staring at the lake while sitting on a bench crying. I knew what I was going to do. I texted all my family members and told them that I loved them. They all thought that they were getting a text that meant I was thinking about them. Little did they know my intentions.

I got home and put the baby to bed. I gave her the biggest hug and just cried while holding her for what felt like hours. I reached down and told her goodbye as she fell asleep. I thought Mackenzie deserved better than me. I honestly thought it would be the last time I would hold her in my arms until we met again in heaven. I thought I was making the right decision for her.

I went back upstairs and found my medication. I decided I would take all the sleeping pills I had. I grabbed the pill bottle and counted out each individual pill. I counted 26 pills. I wasn’t sure if it would be enough, but I was willing to do anything at the point. I wanted all the pain to stop. I didn’t want to live my life anymore. I wanted to live, just not in this life. I got a bottle of water and stood in my moms kitchen and took all 26 pills of trazadone. I don’t know to this day if I took enough medication to do any damage but I didn’t care. I was desperate.

After taking all the medication I instantly regretted my decision. I was contemplating making myself throw up all the pills. I researched online if I took enough to end my life. I couldn’t find the answers I was looking for. I was a part of a facebook page that was meant for people who struggle with anxiety and depression. I posted on the page and told everyone what I did and I asked people if it was enough to kill me. Instantly I got a bunch of messages. People I didn’t even know cared about me. I decided to take the post down moments later. About 15 minutes after my mom got an anonymous call. It was from the police department. My mom came rushing downstairs and asked me if I had taken any medication. I broke down in my living room and told her I took the medication and I didn’t want to live anymore. Moments later an ambulance showed up at my house along with a bunch of policemen. I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance. They hooked me up to an IV right away. Once I got to the hospital the nurse came in and told me to drink this stuff in a cup. It was cherry flavored charcoal. When I think back to the attempt I can still taste it.

They ran several EKG’s and blood tests. Everything came back okay. They had to monitor me for about 6 hours. After that I was transferred to the psych unit. I stayed there for a few days and my step-mom and my dad found another place for me to go. It was another impatient unit, but this one was long term.

Going the the impatient unit was the best decision I have ever made. I made great friends there and I learned so much about myself. During my stay there I started to actually love myself. I kept a journal and wrote down how I was feeling every single day. Each day it got better and better. I can now say that I love who I am and I wouldn’t change it.

I am worthy. I am beautiful. I matter. I am capable. I am a good mother. I am good enough.

I am not writing this for attention. I am writing this because I never really dealt with what happened. This is my way of dealing with my attempt. Getting all my thoughts out really helps me deal with things. I am also writing this for anyone who is struggling and needs to know they are not alone. Having a suicide attempt, or even having suicidal idealation can be a very hard thing to deal with. You are not alone and there is hope and help out there. Reach out to someone you love and trust. There is hope out there for everyone.

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