Recently, I went back into the hospital and was admitted into behavioral health services again after not being there for 6 months. I stayed there for a week and was given a lot of time to reflect on my life and how I was going to gain hope for the future.
See, I was admitted because I relapsed and self harmed after being clean from cutting for 8 months. I was feeling very out of control and suicidal and cutting was one thing I was in control over. Bad idea. I gave myself 9 sutures, and no it didn’t make me feel any better. But that’s a post for another day.
My life kind of took an unexpected turn. I won’t go into detail now because I don’t think it’s the appropriate time and place. Ive been more depressed in that last month than ever. I haven’t found motivation for write, blog, read or anything. I barely got up and went to work. I haven’t been able to take that good of care of Mackenzie because I have been stuck in this deep dark pit. It’s a blessing that my mom has been supporting me through all of this.
While in the hospital my friend Emily came to visit with me and she brought me a book called “Becoming Myself” By Stasi Elredge. It’s about embracing who you are in Jesus. One line that stuck out to me was “Before God changed my body he changed the way I saw myself” Thats powerful. We all have something we don’t like about our bodies. Men included. For me its my body shape. I don’t like the extra fat that I have on my body. I’m self conscious about it.
I am so guilty of talking bad about myself because I don’t like the way i see myself. But the thing is God created me, so why am i so critical of God’s creation. I am God’s creation. God knew what he was doing when he created me, so why do I not love God’s creation? I think everyone is guilty of this at some point or another. I want to change the way I see myself. I want to see myself as strong, capable, and a good mother. God brings change from the inside out.
God is beginning to change the way I see myself. God is giving me new hope in figuring out who I am in Jesus. I have found hope in Jesus and I am actually excited about the future even if that means it’ll be scary. Taking a week and just digging in to the word of God was so good for me. I challenge you to take some time today and dig in to the word of God and see what he’s trying to tell you. God will change the way you see yourself if you just ask.