The second time I was hospitalized was because of my anti-depressants. More or less because I stopped taking them. I got put on medication the very first time I was hospitalized. I stopped taking them for a few days because I forgot and I felt really down. I take two different medications. One is a mood stabilizer and the other is an antidepressant. The second time I was hospitalized was Halloween night and I had an appointment with my therapist. I wasn’t doing well that day, because of not taking my medication. I was so depressed and down that I was feeling suicidal. Before my appointment with her I remember talking to my mom and telling her i didn’t want to live anymore. I was crying these huge tears and explaining everything that was wrong with my life. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

I don’t know how I would react if Mackenzie, my daughter, said those things to me. I would be absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know how my mom was able to handle the situation, but she did a great job. She’s a huge reason why I am still here. She has helped me get through so many struggles. After I talked to her before my appointment we decided she would drive me to my therapy appointment because we both knew that my therapist was going to make me go to the E.R.

Right after I got out of the hospital the first time there was this policy that my therapist had. It was called CAMS. I don’t remember what it stood for, but it was for people who have had suicidal thoughts. It was an assessment ranging from 1-5 in a few different categories and it measured how likely you were to commit suicide. We started each session with CAMS That day I was a 5 in all the categories. I remember her asking me “Kayla, if I send you home right now whats the chances that you will try and take your own life” And I replied “If you send me home, I will.”  At that time she called the ambulance and they took me to the E.R. to be evaluated. I called my dad who had Mackenzie at the time and I said bye to her over video chat. It killed me that I wasn’t able to hug her and say a proper goodbye, but it was only for a few days and I knew I would be okay. I was put on a 72 hour hold.  I remember feeling so dead inside. When you go to the hospital in Cheyenne for suicidal idealization they make you dress down and put scrubs on and go to a room all by yourself. I remember changing my clothes and I felt like a failure. I felt stupid that I ended back up in the hospital. I felt like a total idiot.

First, I should tell you about why I felt so stupid. When I went to the hospital before, I was put on a 72 hour hold and the doctors and staff wanted to keep me longer than 72 hours, but I didn’t want to so they took me to court and I plead my case. Everyone there told me to stay and that I would just be back in a couple of weeks if I didn’t stay. I won the court case and decided to leave against medical advise. Looking back I wish I would have stayed a little longer to work through some of the issues in my life.

Anyways, I felt like a complete idiot. I knew they were going to send me back up to behavioral health services and I knew they were going to try and keep me longer than 72 hours. All of the staff remembered me. Because of the mood I  was in, it felt like they were all saying “I told you so” from the windows. They weren’t, but that’s the way I felt. I stayed there for another 5 days and then went home. I left against medical advise again, but I finally felt like I could handle anything as long as I stayed on my medication and kept challenging negative thoughts.

It was my own fault that I ended back up in the hospital because I forgot to take my medication. Antidepressants are so good when you actually take them. They have made me be able to have a better stability with my mood and they have helped me feel a little happier.  I don’t have as many mood swings anymore and I have a little bit more patience. One of the girls in the hospital asked me “If you go home today, will your daughter see a difference in you?” and I sat and thought about that for a while. I finally felt like I was okay. My medication has helped me get through some pretty dark times.

Not only has medication helped me through depressed times, but its also helped with my anxiety. There was a point in my life where I had 4 panic attacks in one week. Now I don’t get them as often. Because my mood isn’t changing so often with mood swings, I don’t worry as much as I used to.

I struggled with taking medication at first because I didn’t want to feel like I had to take something in order to be happy. I didn’t want to rely on pills. But what I didn’t understand is depression is a disease. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain. Medication just fixes that chemical imbalance.

Life is never easy. Living with depression and anxiety is hard. Living with post-pardom depression is real and its difficult. But if your on the fence about medication, I highly suggest you try it. Now, medication isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t work for some people. But its always worth the try. I feel so much better when I take my medication. Everyone can tell if I miss a day or two with my medication. Medication helps millions of people. If your struggling, you might as well just look into it. It has helped me immensely.