I want to be real with people. In order to be real I need to be able to share my struggles. One of the most important things about this blog is being vulnerable and speaking the truth hoping I can help people who relate with me and hopefully someone won’t feel so alone.
Here me being real:
I’m struggling today. I had my first appointment back with my therapist today after two months. I usually see her every week or every other week, but since I forgot to make an appointment, I couldn’t see her for a while. I thought I would be just fine if I stayed on my medication and if I stayed doing the things that make me happy. I was wrong. I am super disappointed in myself and I can’t shake the feeling.
In therapy we are working on loving myself and helping with my self esteem right now. I am learning how to do things by myself for myself. These past two months I sucked at it. I stopped doing things for myself. I stopped caring about myself and I struggled a lot because of that. I am so frustrated with myself because I let myself down. Not only did I let myself down, I let my family down. I fell back into the trap of depression and actually had a day of suicidal thoughts because I let myself fall back into depression. This morning my mom posted on Facebook that said “Make yourself a priority once in a while. It’s necessary not selfish.” This stuck with me because I always struggle with not taking time for myself.
Back when I was going to therapy every week I was able to be reminded every week to do things for myself. We would brainstorm and come up with ideas of thing I could do that would make me happy. I was doing much better. I was actually starting to feel like a whole new person. I started to feel like myself, but new and improved. I was also in a really hard place in life and almost all my friends and family knew about it and they would remind me to to take time for myself and they would give me ideas of what to do as well. It was a team effort to help Kayla start to feel like herself again. I am so mad at myself for letting everyone down.
I know I can’t be too hard on myself. It happens to everyone. My therapist told me that its just a part of recovery. So I am going to be thankful that I am on the road to feeling better than being down on myself. I am going to choose happy thoughts and positive feelings over the negative ones. I am going to start back up and do things for myself and hopefully stay on the right track of being happy.
My therapist told me to keep a “owners manual”. You write things down that you enjoy and keep them somewhere close. Then when having a bad day you get that list out and do as many things you can on that list. But you make it intentional. You have to want to do those things to start to feel better on your bad days. I love this idea and I am currently searching things that make me feel good. If you have any ideas please comment them! I could use all the help I can get!