I decided to show a picture of some of my scars, It’s a hard thing for me to do. I have a hard time opening up about my self harm history, so here we go.
I started self harming when I was about thirteen. I was in eighth grade. Self harm is something many young girls deal with. I started because I knew some people that did it and it helped them, so I started to try it out. I remember the first time I self harmed. I had just had a huge fight with my best friend McKyla. I was depressed and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Once I cut myself for the first time, I was hooked. I would describe self harm as an addiction.
I want to explain why self injury is something that people do and how it helps. I did it for a few reasons. One reason I self harmed was because it distracts from the emotional pain I was having and it gave me physical pain.Another reason is its a way to punish yourself. I know that I didn’t need punishing, but at the time I was so depressed that every time I would cut I would feel like i am giving that punishment I deserved. The last reason I had for self harming was it made you feel something. There has been times when I am so depressed I don’t feel anything. I feel numb to the whole world and all sorts of emotions. I would cut just to feel something, anything was better than feeling nothing. Those are just some of my reasons why I would harm myself.
I remember one time being so down and depressed that I decided to cut myself, and not even an hour later I was at church with my friends having so much fun and laughing. I hid everything away from everyone. I wore long sleeves, and long pants to cover up my cuts and scars. Cutting makes you feel so alone. It’s like you have to isolate yourself because you don’t want people to know what you have done.
Around the time of my suicide attempt I started self harming again a lot. I would do it almost every day. I was so depressed that I didn’t really know how to cope with the feelings that I had. I remember every time I would cut i would try and get deeper and deeper to actually feel something. I remember being so depressed when I would get angry I would hurt myself from hitting to scratching to cutting. Anyway I could. I would. Try and hurt myself because I didn’t feel like I was good enough to live.
One thing that I am working on is being aware of my scars and not hiding them anymore. I am who I am and those scars tell a story of when life got rough, but i am still here. I don’t want to feel ashamed wearing a T-shirt. I was to keep working on embracing my scars as a reminder that I am still alive and still trying to figure life out.
One thing that has helped me not self harm is my tattoo. I got a tattoo shortly after my suicide attempt to cover up a self harm scar. Everytime I want to self harm, I look at that tattoo as a reminder of where I came from and where I want to go. I dont want to punish myslef anymore because I dont deserve to be punished. Psalms 147:3 “He healeth the broken in heart and bindeth up their wounds” That verse has gotten me though a lot of hard times and depression.
For people who don’t know about self harm, I hope that I was able to help you out in educating. If you ever encounter someone who has noticeable scars on their arm, just tell them your there for them. I know for me it means so much when someone tells me that after seeing my scars.
I just want everyone to know out there that if you self harm, your not alone so many people suffer from this addiction. Your not alone and you will find peace. Ask for help.
I don’t want to end this blog post on a negative note. I am doing much better in my fight against self harm. I haven’t self harmed in over two months. It may not seem like a long time, but it takes time in defeating an addiction like self injury.