Anxiety, Depression, Life Stuff

Help

Everyone has their own breaking point. A point where life problems just get too much to handle and we need a break for a while. Ive hit my breaking point twice before. Don’t get me wrong, I get close a lot. But I’ve only hit that breaking point twice before. Both times I was hospitalized. The first time was after I got some devastating news, my marriage wasn’t where I wanted it to be, and being a mom was hard work. I think post-pardom depression had some part in it as well. I finally got to a point where life was to much and I decided to try and take my own life. I remember this night so vividly. I went and took a walk, contemplating what I was about to do. I kept thinking that I was the reason my marriage wasn’t what it was meant to be. I thought that I was a horrible mother because I wasn’t able to have the patience that everyone else had. I was miserable because I thought I wasn’t good enough to live. I thought that I would be better off dead than to take care of my daughter and fix my marriage. After my walk, I went back in the house and I gave Mackenzie a kiss and told her goodnight and goodbye. I remember that goodnight perfectly. She was fast asleep in her bed and I went and kissed her forehead and told her mommy loved her more than anything. I went into the bathroom and I swallowed a bunch of pills. I don’t remember a whole lot after that. I remember not being able to walk and Jake carried me to my bedroom. That was me hitting my breaking point. I had finally hit it. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do. I don’t think I was very educated. The next day I woke up pretty sick. I didn’t tell anyone what I did because I was even more ashamed because I couldn’t even kill myself right. I felt as if i was drowning and like I couldn’t breathe. Two weeks later, I went in for a check up with my primary doctor and had told her everything. I broke down in one of her rooms and just cried for what it felt like hours. She called my mom and my mom and I went into the hospital together and they made me stay there a few days to get back up on my feet. I thank God everyday that I didn’t take enough to kill me. I thank God because I can now watch my daughter learn how to walk, I get to watch her go to her first day of school. Others aren’t so lucky. This is such a hard thing to talk about. Nowadays so many people struggle with depression and have the same experience i had. Mental health is so so important. Many people just don’t know their options. If you or anyone you know is struggling just ask for help. Please ask for help. I needed help but I was to scared to ask for it. I was too scared to show the world that that life was getting to much that I wanted to escape and not deal with the shame. When really there is no shame in asking for help. My door is always open please remember that.

9 thoughts on “Help”

  1. I’m so sorry you went through that Kayla. But I understand. I have been there on multiple occasions and it’s a very painful place to be. Please know that I am always here if you ever need someone. ❤️

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  2. Oh Kayla! I’m so very sad that you had to deal with this but I love that you’re getting so much stronger and sharing your story is so important, for you and for those that read. Talking about it openly can help heal you and having gone through it and reaching out to others is beneficial to those that are going through the same pain. You are really turning this trial in your life into a beautiful opportunity to heal others. I will tell you I have gone through and still go through these same problems at least the thoughts. I’ve always been too afraid to attempt(thankfully) but I’ve often thought that I’d like to not exist anymore or that everyone would be better off without me. Life can be so challenging and that’s when the enemy gets in our heads and tries to convince us we are not good enough. Then I remember I’m a daughter of God and I am His design and He made me exactly who I am meant to be and to not love myself is offensive to God. I’m so grateful to know this as it and my beautiful children are what keep me going on those hard days. I’m so thankful you are still here with us because you, too, are also a beautiful and amazing work of God and loved by so many of us especially that precious baby you brought into life. She needs her wonderful mama to be her light and bring her up in the Lord. I love that you are doing this blog! It is so inspirational! You are inspirational, so brave, and an incredible gift from God! I love you and again I’m so happy you are still with us and able to share your hardship and using it to help others! ❤️ I’m here if you need anything!

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  3. Girl I thank God every day you are here. I love you! Your family is perfect in this un-perfect world! Your so strong; infact stronger than anyone I know to share your story. Your struggles and your triumphs are beautiful and make you…you. Stay strong always. There’s never an option to leave your family behind before your time. 😘

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  4. Wow, what a sad but great read. How brave of you to share your story and admit to your mistakes. The greatest thing you can do is learn from it. You are an amazing mother and even at your worst, you are still ALWAYS giving your best to your family. You are an amazing human!!

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  5. Kayla, I am embarrassed to say I am family and had no idea. I am so sorry. Wish we lived closer. I have struggled with depression my whole life. Never attempted to take my life, but certainly thought about it. Depression is something so personal and pretty easy to hide. The small struggles seem huge. Getting out of bed and getting dressed feels like a if accomplishment some days. Just remember the world is not better without you. And your little girl needs you. Your family wants you to be around. I am always here to chat. I may not have the words to help but I am always here to listen. Even if I am 8 hrs away. Don’t know you well, yet. But would love to know you. You are a sweet spirit and so brave for sharing. I love you.

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